n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.
You know how badly it sucks to be everyone’s second choice and nobody’s first? You keep putting yourself out there, becoming best friends with someone, but they decide that they’d rather be with someone else, and that you’re just a contingency plan to them.
Every time you tell a friend or family member that you miss them, it’s never in reply to their confession that they miss you. Of course, they do say they miss you after the fact,but you can tell that they haven’t thought about you since they left. It would be nice to be on the receiving end of that statement.
Feeling like you don’t come first for anyone, not even your little brother, makes me wish that I didn’t care. You don’t think that you’re worthless and you know that at least your family cares, if no one else. But nobody cares as much for you as you do for them. You’re just a back burner occupant, and you can only stay there as long as you pay rent with your feelings.
Perhaps what you need is to meet another back burner occupant, someone who knows your struggle, and is willing to put you on their front burner if you do the same with them.
Yes. Find someone as shy and caring as yourself, and make them feel what you know they have been missing just as much as you have. Make them know that you will always choose them over another, that they won’t have to sit on the cold back burner any longer. And they will do the same for you.